::reflections::

Reflections on my first month…

I am homesick…I was honestly blindsided by that…I thought I would be ok coming out here. I loved Seattle in all my visits out here to check out Mars Hill Graduate School. The difference is this, while I love Seattle, on my visits I always knew I’d be going back home to Colorado and my friends, in other words, life wasn’t drastically changing for me. Now life has changed, my geography, my friendships, etc.

Now I live here, Seattle, Washington.

Not Broomfield, Colorado.

I am here.

My friends and home are there.

Honestly, in all my dreams of moving out here, in all my visits out here, I never thought moving out here would be so hard.

I miss my friends.

I miss the mountains.

I miss familiar places.

I miss what I knew as “church” there.

Now I find myself in a new place. A new story. New people.

And I wonder what the hell I’m doing here.

Seriously.

You’d think I wouldn’t have these doubts.

I do.

I doubt my calling. I am wrestling with my ideas on the Church (and the church). And I start Seminary in a week. Do I still want to go through with this? I say this for many reasons. One is I’ve given more thought to going to law school. Another is that I’ve given thought to working with various missionary/youth organizations. I have many many questions swirling in my mind concerning what I want to spend my life doing. There are many things I love. Many things I want to do with my life.

I want to make a difference.

I want to travel.

I love writing.

I love speaking.

I love intellectual challenge.

I love discussing law.

I love working with students.

Where does all this leave me?

Wrestling.

Undecided.

With lots of questions.

::alone and in between::

Looking for something I've never seen
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and the place that I'm in
A city I never been
~The Fray, Trust Me

To dream and desire is risky, difficult business. I say this in response to my recent move to Seattle to go to grad school. Before I dive into that, I should preface all of this with the journey to this point, to choosing Seattle and to moving here.

About three years ago, a desire to live here was planted in me on a trip to Vancouver with the youth group I used to intern with. We stayed just one night in Seattle, and yet I managed to fall in love with the city and the northwest. This also lead to further dream of doing ministry in the northwest – one of the most unchurched and intellectual places in North America. For two years this desire and dream stuck with me, at times seeming unattainable and teasing me. Nine months ago, I came to Seattle to visit a school I had heard about, Mars Hill Graduate School. I went, I loved it (the city and the school) I applied, interviewed, and got accepted to their M.Div program. A dream coming true. A few months later after being accepted (June), I even had a place to live arranged. Now fast forward – I am here, I have been living here for about three weeks and this is the hardest part – leaving home and stepping into the unknown. All the other work of dreaming and getting here – re-enrolling at the University of Colorado to finish my Bachelors, attending classes, graduating, applying to MHGS, finding a place to live, etc, etc, all simple compared to my new reality. None of it so risky as packing up and saying goodbye and leaving all that I have ever known, friends, family, geography, all of that. Yet, nothing really prepares you for the reality that follows, it is exciting to dream, but stepping into the reality of dreams and desires is quite messy.

Now I find myself, isolated, alone, overwhelmed, etc, etc, wondering what the hell I’ve gotten myself into. The lyrics at the beginning of this post pretty much describe what I feel right about now. I have traded all that I know, love and am familiar with for something completely unpredictable, unknown and scary. I am wrestling with this, and yet I also know that is usually where chasing the Wild Goose, the Holy Spirit leads you, like God leading Abraham out of Ur, He has led me to Seattle. Do I know how this is going to turn out? Not really. Does it even match my expectations from even a few weeks or months ago so far? No. All I know at this point is the unknown and the uncertainty, and that somewhere in the midst of this God is there, even though it may be hard to understand. We shall see, I am still processing this, still working through it.

::transitions...

It is been over a year since I have posted to this blog, and in that time much has happened, some that I will briefly cover now, some you'll have to wait for, as a year is a long time to write about and process.

To start at my last post, Random Rambling, a few weeks after that was written, I went back to Flatirons Student Ministry after nine months of processing life. It was a wonderful time involving three mission trips, one to Gulfport, Mississippi to help rebuild after Katrina and two to Basconcobe, Mexico. During that time, I also worked as an intern, worked a year at a credit union, graduated from the University of Colorado at Boulder with a BA in Religious Studies, generally travelled, etc, etc. Much happened since February of 2006.

Now, fast-forward a year and a half. I now live in Seattle, well, I just moved here about two weeks ago. I will be starting my Master's degree in the fall at Mars Hill Graduate School. A very exciting and also tumultuous time for me. On the one hand, I have wanted to move to Seattle and go to grad school for close to three or four years now, so a dream come true. On the other hand, I have also left all that is familiar: geography, friends, jobs, lifestyle for something that is completely unfamiliar and at times a bit scary. Right now, my state of mind is also somewhat in transition, getting used to my new living situation, meeting new people, and the like.

Anyways, I am tired and want to sleep/not think any more. I will continue on all this later.

Cheers!