::alone and in between::

Looking for something I've never seen
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and the place that I'm in
A city I never been
~The Fray, Trust Me

To dream and desire is risky, difficult business. I say this in response to my recent move to Seattle to go to grad school. Before I dive into that, I should preface all of this with the journey to this point, to choosing Seattle and to moving here.

About three years ago, a desire to live here was planted in me on a trip to Vancouver with the youth group I used to intern with. We stayed just one night in Seattle, and yet I managed to fall in love with the city and the northwest. This also lead to further dream of doing ministry in the northwest – one of the most unchurched and intellectual places in North America. For two years this desire and dream stuck with me, at times seeming unattainable and teasing me. Nine months ago, I came to Seattle to visit a school I had heard about, Mars Hill Graduate School. I went, I loved it (the city and the school) I applied, interviewed, and got accepted to their M.Div program. A dream coming true. A few months later after being accepted (June), I even had a place to live arranged. Now fast forward – I am here, I have been living here for about three weeks and this is the hardest part – leaving home and stepping into the unknown. All the other work of dreaming and getting here – re-enrolling at the University of Colorado to finish my Bachelors, attending classes, graduating, applying to MHGS, finding a place to live, etc, etc, all simple compared to my new reality. None of it so risky as packing up and saying goodbye and leaving all that I have ever known, friends, family, geography, all of that. Yet, nothing really prepares you for the reality that follows, it is exciting to dream, but stepping into the reality of dreams and desires is quite messy.

Now I find myself, isolated, alone, overwhelmed, etc, etc, wondering what the hell I’ve gotten myself into. The lyrics at the beginning of this post pretty much describe what I feel right about now. I have traded all that I know, love and am familiar with for something completely unpredictable, unknown and scary. I am wrestling with this, and yet I also know that is usually where chasing the Wild Goose, the Holy Spirit leads you, like God leading Abraham out of Ur, He has led me to Seattle. Do I know how this is going to turn out? Not really. Does it even match my expectations from even a few weeks or months ago so far? No. All I know at this point is the unknown and the uncertainty, and that somewhere in the midst of this God is there, even though it may be hard to understand. We shall see, I am still processing this, still working through it.

How Am I Doing?

Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased. (C. S. Lewis, “The Weight of Glory”)

This quote kind of popped into my mind as I have been reflecting on the last six months or so, mainly because I have been living a half-hearted existence. Before I get too far ahead of myself here, I should give context for these last six months. This last May was a month of transition for me, transitions that have left me searching for my heart. The first thing was I finished (pretty much) with classes at CU Boulder on my undergrad studies, so I’m no longer a full-time student, first major transition. Second, I left Flatirons Student Ministries after two years as an intern/volunteer working with high school students, second major transition. This second one threw me more than the first. First I should preface this, I left not because of the ministry or leaders or anything like that, but because I needed to confront some stuff in my life and that served as enough of a distraction to keep me anesthetized enough to keep me from confronting the crap in my life. However, instead of confronting my crap, I have been doing as Lewis talks about, living half hearted and fooling with my addictions, anesthetizing the pain of not having my heart rather than going through that pain to aliveness and awareness. So, today, that is where I am at, dealing with the pain of not having my heart back, and conversely not being satisfied with fooling about making mud pies in the slum. I’m stuck in a tricky no-man’s land, but to get out I must have both my heart and desire. As part of my loss of heart, I’ve suffered a loss of desire, where the desires and dreams I had not even a year ago seem rather distant now, so part of my problem is desiring too little and being too easily pleased. The hard part is to allow myself to desire more opens me up to failure and disappointment, I can choose to stay with the safe and predictable (and boring) or choose to desire, fall down but nonetheless live out of desire.

Here are some things about my current situation that I know to be true:

Ø The two years in FSM were the best two years in my life thus far, I enjoyed working with my guys, the other leaders, it was a blast. This was also the most unpredictable time of my life, living without a steady paycheck, yet still managing to pay everything on time. Looking back, I feel like I’ve traded desire for a false sense of security.

Ø I must be willing to work through the pain to get to aliveness and awareness, rekindle my desires and pursue them.

Ø I’m tired of living a mercenary life, working completely for myself and my comfort.

Ø I want to go back to ministry, eventually, and even pursue seminary, but I want to do this out of a heart that is full, out of the overflow of my heart.

Ø I know that to do this, I must have help, allies in this journey who can encourage me and whom I can encourage.

Thanks to anyone who reads this, I welcome your comments, criticism and challenge, more to come on this soon.