::alone and in between::

Looking for something I've never seen
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and the place that I'm in
A city I never been
~The Fray, Trust Me

To dream and desire is risky, difficult business. I say this in response to my recent move to Seattle to go to grad school. Before I dive into that, I should preface all of this with the journey to this point, to choosing Seattle and to moving here.

About three years ago, a desire to live here was planted in me on a trip to Vancouver with the youth group I used to intern with. We stayed just one night in Seattle, and yet I managed to fall in love with the city and the northwest. This also lead to further dream of doing ministry in the northwest – one of the most unchurched and intellectual places in North America. For two years this desire and dream stuck with me, at times seeming unattainable and teasing me. Nine months ago, I came to Seattle to visit a school I had heard about, Mars Hill Graduate School. I went, I loved it (the city and the school) I applied, interviewed, and got accepted to their M.Div program. A dream coming true. A few months later after being accepted (June), I even had a place to live arranged. Now fast forward – I am here, I have been living here for about three weeks and this is the hardest part – leaving home and stepping into the unknown. All the other work of dreaming and getting here – re-enrolling at the University of Colorado to finish my Bachelors, attending classes, graduating, applying to MHGS, finding a place to live, etc, etc, all simple compared to my new reality. None of it so risky as packing up and saying goodbye and leaving all that I have ever known, friends, family, geography, all of that. Yet, nothing really prepares you for the reality that follows, it is exciting to dream, but stepping into the reality of dreams and desires is quite messy.

Now I find myself, isolated, alone, overwhelmed, etc, etc, wondering what the hell I’ve gotten myself into. The lyrics at the beginning of this post pretty much describe what I feel right about now. I have traded all that I know, love and am familiar with for something completely unpredictable, unknown and scary. I am wrestling with this, and yet I also know that is usually where chasing the Wild Goose, the Holy Spirit leads you, like God leading Abraham out of Ur, He has led me to Seattle. Do I know how this is going to turn out? Not really. Does it even match my expectations from even a few weeks or months ago so far? No. All I know at this point is the unknown and the uncertainty, and that somewhere in the midst of this God is there, even though it may be hard to understand. We shall see, I am still processing this, still working through it.