How Am I Doing?

Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased. (C. S. Lewis, “The Weight of Glory”)

This quote kind of popped into my mind as I have been reflecting on the last six months or so, mainly because I have been living a half-hearted existence. Before I get too far ahead of myself here, I should give context for these last six months. This last May was a month of transition for me, transitions that have left me searching for my heart. The first thing was I finished (pretty much) with classes at CU Boulder on my undergrad studies, so I’m no longer a full-time student, first major transition. Second, I left Flatirons Student Ministries after two years as an intern/volunteer working with high school students, second major transition. This second one threw me more than the first. First I should preface this, I left not because of the ministry or leaders or anything like that, but because I needed to confront some stuff in my life and that served as enough of a distraction to keep me anesthetized enough to keep me from confronting the crap in my life. However, instead of confronting my crap, I have been doing as Lewis talks about, living half hearted and fooling with my addictions, anesthetizing the pain of not having my heart rather than going through that pain to aliveness and awareness. So, today, that is where I am at, dealing with the pain of not having my heart back, and conversely not being satisfied with fooling about making mud pies in the slum. I’m stuck in a tricky no-man’s land, but to get out I must have both my heart and desire. As part of my loss of heart, I’ve suffered a loss of desire, where the desires and dreams I had not even a year ago seem rather distant now, so part of my problem is desiring too little and being too easily pleased. The hard part is to allow myself to desire more opens me up to failure and disappointment, I can choose to stay with the safe and predictable (and boring) or choose to desire, fall down but nonetheless live out of desire.

Here are some things about my current situation that I know to be true:

Ø The two years in FSM were the best two years in my life thus far, I enjoyed working with my guys, the other leaders, it was a blast. This was also the most unpredictable time of my life, living without a steady paycheck, yet still managing to pay everything on time. Looking back, I feel like I’ve traded desire for a false sense of security.

Ø I must be willing to work through the pain to get to aliveness and awareness, rekindle my desires and pursue them.

Ø I’m tired of living a mercenary life, working completely for myself and my comfort.

Ø I want to go back to ministry, eventually, and even pursue seminary, but I want to do this out of a heart that is full, out of the overflow of my heart.

Ø I know that to do this, I must have help, allies in this journey who can encourage me and whom I can encourage.

Thanks to anyone who reads this, I welcome your comments, criticism and challenge, more to come on this soon.